Wednesday, January 18, 2006

I miss the innocence I've known

But I don't miss America.

Which is disturbing. Aren't you supposed to feel like you belong to the place to which you were born?

Unlock my body and move myself to dance...

She fell in love with another.

In the seventh grade, the first day of junior high, I had the flu and vomited during my drama class with Anne Vasbinder. She soon became my favorite teacher, though she retired at the end of the year. Before she left, she told me, "In the Jewish religion, you can do three things to carry on your legacy: Plant a tree, have a child, or write a book." I've done two of the three thus far, but...the book was horrible, a template.

My goal, like Lauren's, is to publish a book (a real book, of my own creation) by the time I'm 30.

But I am afraid. S and I talked about this for a few hours the other day; I am afraid of my art, I think. I am not progressing. I chose editing to distance myself from the creative rigor of writing; I chose editing to avoid taxing myself, to avoid introducing unnecessary pain into my life.

Perhaps the pain is necessary. I am ripe. I have ideas. If I don't write now, the gift will be gone. Am I egocentric or self aware?

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